❀ sec's private notes ❀
2024-02-01 / 8.00 pm
despite it all, i live to see another day.
existing feels strange sometimes. how come i am still here where dozens around me dont? how would i feel knowing someone else thought like that about me? it gets complicated.
its hard sometimes. regulating emotions is hard and this is mainly ive started to write more. but i am typing on something silly now. it will suck at first, but ill consider it a exercise in learning to understand. i do not perform for this world, i merely observe it.
2024-01-18 (intermezzo) / 8.50 pm
i consider this day a bit of a intermezzo. i started doing my research regarding the gaps i've got to fill, and while not perfect — i surely learned a lot!
i won't give up. this is my friends gift to me and i refuse to sabotage it just because of my insecurities.
dont forget: breathe, analyze, communicate clearly, ask a lot, plan accordingly, and do your research. you'll be okay.
2024-01-17 / 9.00 pm
today was my first day of work. and as expected, i was incredibly disoriented.
i dislike this feeling..the feeling of being left behind in competence. the feeling of barely drowning, struggling to keep yourself away. smiling and saying yes, its alright. yes, its alright..but knowing deep down that its the empty words of professionalism.
regardless, i must be open to help. i must voice my concerns. i must be naggy. nobody rewards the uncommunicative, incompetent worker. if i seek to build community in the future, i must start by navigating this specific organization. untangling it, keeping up with it, understanding it.
2024-01-14 / 4.05 pm
happy birthday to me!
today, i turn 27..thats right..27 years old. i have a lot of feelings about it, but that would require thinking about it more carefully and i'd need time for that.i'm just happy that i'm still alive..to be honest, i didn't think i'd ever make it this far to start with.
only for today, despite the disconnect, despite the sadness...i am glad that i'm still alive.
2024-01-11 / 9.05 pm
turns out that i didnt have to worry about that interview. i have to reapply for a interview within a week lol. i guess that got solved?
either way, today was bad. i woke up during the night because of a panic attack and then stayed awake during the whole thing. and its annoying to me. i was lethargic the whole day.but i did go to the library and that was fun!
anyways, i need to expand the website: a place for fandom, fics, drawings, meta....even ocs. just keep it coming.
2024-01-10 / 4.00 pm
i canceled my interview, again.
its embarassing. i keep running out of places to take interviews. it wasnt supposed to be like this but it still happened.
i felt a bit embarassed and ashamed typing away on that letter, avoiding a "weird" situation yet again. but i need to get of this discomfort in order to move on, right? this has to change.
i hope i can get over this soon.
2024-01-08 / 3.05 pm
The senseless violence rippling through our psyches right now on the timeline is harrowing to process. I struggle to make words out of how to think, how to feel.
The peaceful world that i dreamt of spending my future within remains a distant reverie; a daydream that i can never return back to.
Maybe the world i thought i would be part of never existed all along. Maybe not only my body, but my naive mind was also trapped within the walled gardens that my youth was spent in.
Banished from paradise, i chose curiousity over safety, truth above ignorance. And as such, i have to bear witness the horrors.
Witness the horrors. never forget. Witness the horrors, lest you forget and our surroundings thinks we can just return back to normal.
God, is this what it means to be a adult?
2024-01-05 / 7.09 pm
i spent most of the day on chores. i really wanted to write and code more, but alas.
i look forward to getting to write more on here soon.
as always, i spent too much time either listening to pods or daydreaming about shnz/wttm scenarios. i gotta write em down man.